Monday, March 29, 2010

Baby girl

Today I am in a good mood. Its been awhile.

I've been hesitant to write anything these past few weeks because in all honesty I've been miserable. Life just seemed to be too much of a mess to even write down. Although my life still seems to be on the messy side, things are looking up. I feel for possibly the very first time in a long time that I am loved.

I should start from the beginning.

My funk started with a rather stupid and thoughtless comment from my amother. This whole me finding my original family has proved too much for her to tolerate. People who are outside of the exclusive state of the adoptee seem only too ready to defend her when I tell them about what she said, but I guess that is natural (or as natural as anything concerning adoption can be).

She seems to want to prove to me that adoption is a wonderful thing. I'm not buying it. Personally, adoption has meant many years of one painful experience after another. For the most part, I wish that I had never been adopted...or rather that I had never been adopted by her. I don't think she will ever get the emotional trauma living with her has done to me. But that's okay. I can't change her, but I can change me. My life does not have to be forever a mess.

I can hardly bare to even write what she said. Most people don't really get what the big deal is, and I'm probably making something out of nothing. I don't really believe that it is nothing, but I guess that is just my opinion. We were in the hospital at the time when she made the comment. I had been fighting with everyone just to get some stupid blood tests done (everywhere I went refused to do them until my hematologist stepped in and demanded that they be performed). Long story short, after bringing up adoption whenever she got the chance, she brought up the fact that she didn't understand why more people didn't adopt, because fertility treatment was expensive and adoption was (for her) cheaper than buying a car.

A car.

My life was worth less than a car.


I'm not gonna lie, that comment destroyed me for a bit, but whats come out of it is that I've finally started talking. Instead of pretending to be okay, I've started talking about how hurt I am to people I trust. I've realized (and for once sincerely believe) that there is something very wrong with my amothers thought process. The mean things she has said and done over the years are not okay, and I don't have to put up with that sort of mess from her.

On to more happier developments!

My mom received the picture album I sent her, and was ecstatic to get it! She told me yesterday that she carries it around with her wherever she goes. She's happy that she has such a beautiful daughter, and can't wait to see me. She also sent my sister my number, and we've been able to talk online. Its been great, but I never realized what a language barrier there would be even though we all technically speak the same language! Talking online has made it easier to get more details that I may have missed in translation.

There is one thing I'm concerned about though. Because my mom feels guilty about giving me up, she's playing favourites and I think it might be bothering my sister a bit. I've essentially replaced her spot in the family. She has gone from being my mom's eldest girl child to being smack dab in the middle. I know she is having her own issues right now too, so I hope this isn't too painful for her.

Yesterday was an absolutely monstrous day at work (which unfortunately is not unusual). I ended up being suspended for calling for a price check (I'm a cashier...its my job...but my manager is on a power trip apparently and felt the need to make an example of me I guess. It probably doesn't help that when disrespected I throw caution to the wind and run my mouth. Not even, I just have the tendency to call things as I see them...and most managers do not like being told that they are wrong). When I got home from work I was incredibly angry and upset, and spent a good amount of time crying over the phone to one of my co-workers.

After I got off the phone with her, I called my mom to see how she was. She was happy to hear from me, but worried that she wasn't going to make it to work the next day because of the pains in her belly. Her baby was supposed to be due anywhere from the 3rd of next month to the 15th. I told her not to push herself, and to make sure she and the baby were okay because they're far more important than a job. I asked about my dad again (he's no longer in Canada, but back in the Caribbean) which upset her. I found out that he has around 15 children...15! I told her not to worry about him if he was going to act stupid, and that if he really wanted a relationship with me like he claimed then it was on him to act right. I hope she doesn't call for him again. He seems like a lot of headache and drama.

A little later, my phone rang. The number indicated that it was a calling card calling, which struck me as unusual. When I picked up, a deep voice responded:

"Hello, is this Kat-rine? This is your your brother, Alson."

Now I've been bothering my mother and my sister about the whereabouts of my brother ever since I learned that he had come to Canada for work. I guess after my mom had gotten off the phone with me, he had called her and gotten my number. I was so happy to hear his voice! Talking to him was so easy, and just simply wonderful! Turns out he's working out East, but had worked a few years in Ontario before. He had been at a farm not too far from the city I grew up in. It is very possible that we could have met, and neither of us would have ever known it. He told me that mom had been talking to my step sister, which confused the hell out of me because I don't have a step sister. Turns out it was this girl I had known from when I was young (who was another Vincy adoptee) that to put it nicely I am less than friendly with. He told me something told him not to really talk to her, which thrilled me because I can be sort of a snotbag, and knowing that he snubbed somebody whom had snubbed myself and people close to me brought me joy (petty I know, but what can I say).

I am a little disappointed that she never tried to contact me to tell me she had spoken with my mother. It wouldn't have been that hard to do, but the girl can't drop some nonsense that happened 10 years ago in high school, so I can't say her actions were unexpected.

I hope to meet my brother soon. He told me he'd feel "like a boss" if he got to meet me first!

I hardly slept last night, I was so happy to hear from my brother. He seems like such a normal, decent person. Even though my dad seems to be somewhat of a shady character (as my mom put it, he makes babies and leaves) having a big brother that has obviously grown up to be a good man makes up for it. I really have no desire at this time to know any of my dad's 15 children. They don't really seem like family the way my mom's children do...which is horrible because all of my siblings are halfs, so they are just as much related to me as the other side is. My feelings might change. I might try to find them one day, but it probably will depend largely on how my relationship with my father develops. If he isn't willing to try, than it will be next to impossible anyway. I'll worry about it when that day comes, but for now I just want to concentrate on the new family that I do know.

This morning I was woken up by a phone call from my sister. She had tried to get ahold of mom, but couldn't so ended up calling her boyfriend. Turns out, after she got off the phone with Alson the pains got so bad she had to go to the hospital. Baby sister is coming into the world, I wonder what she will look like?

Mommy said I could name her. I don't know if she was being serious, and I really have no clue what to name her anyway! After I got off the phone with my sister, the union rep for my store called and we had a nice long conversation. He repeatedly called my store manager a "fuckin dummy" which only helped to make my day even brighter!

Bittersweet is the best kind of sweet, because you know you won't be left with a toothache. Its real and imperfect. My 1st family is very different from the adoptive family I've known. First off I have 6 aunties (one passed) and 4 uncles. Girls seem to be common, whereas in my adoptive family there was nothing but boys (except one girl cousin)! Everyone talks to everyone else (even if they don't all get along) whereas in my adoptive family nobody is all of that close. Its going to take some serious adjustments (as my friend was saying, the bigger the family the more potential for drama) but I know that I am loved and wanted, and much more valuable than a car, or any other commodity.

I think I'm ready for this. The fantasy has been killed, and what is left is the reality...and for once it just seems right.