...au naturale...

I'm an attention whore. I like doing things that shock the shit out of people. Going natural may very well have been one of these instances where I've simply done something to see how people react. Don't get me wrong, there was way more behind why I decided to go for it, and do the "big cut" but truly I believe it may have simply been I wanted to see if I really had the balls to do something so drastic.

In all honesty, up until recently, I wasn't a fan of the natural sista. I thought naturals were stuck-up bitches that had something to prove (ironic since the same could probably be said about yours truly). I had a dread sista tell me one time I wore weave because I wanted to be white. The nerve of that bitch! But it got me thinking, why exactly did I wear weave in the first place?

And so came the phase of contemplation. Weave was easier! (I proclaimed) Black hair was difficult (I exclaimed) Its a white man's world, and whitey liked it better when you conformed (I told myself). And for awhile, these excuses were enough. But the question still nagged...was I, by wearing weave indeed mimicking whiteness because I hated my own Blackness deep down inside?

The answer was obvious. No. I did, and do not want to be white. Although sometimes I will admit I look at the outlook my white friends have on life, and I think to myself (or sometimes out loud...they're used to me!) it must be damn nice to be so fucking oblivious to like...EVERYTHING. But sill, I would not trade being Black for all the tea in China...so WHY????

Why did I wear weave? This question became unbearable, the excuses seemed shittier and shittier, until one day I concluded that I simply had no clue as to why I felt the need to mimic something I'm not.

So off it all went. Hasta luego hair. Now because I have been chemical free for almost 9 years, I could have just took the fake stuff out...but I had a little hair "mishap" (i.e. the girl who did my braids glued the bitches into my actual hair, and as a result I had chunks of nail glue stuck up in there). Any who, I needed the change anyhow.

It's funny, cause when I asked my usual stylist (not the one who glued up my head) to cut my hair, I could tell she was kind of in shock. It's not the 1st time I've asked her to cut my hair, the first time resulting in her convincing me not to cut it all off, lol... This time however, she had no choice! She kept asking me if I was gonna be wearing a wig while my hair grew.

The thought of wearing a wig makes me queasy. Its like a strike against my pride. which is ironic, because I wore weave...but somehow wigs just...wig me out! I don't feel the need to ever have to wear them. I will strut my bald-headed stuff before I ever even consider going there.

Not to knock those who choose to wear them. I've just seen too many matted up wigs to believe that a wig could ever look better than my natural hair....but whatever.

Actually, that's what it all came down too. Being exposed to one too many bad weaves, wigs, hairpieces, and the whole shebang...braids included. I started to get real scared: what if my weave looked just as bad as all those other nasty contraptions other Black women were putting on their heads? How could I possibly ever know?

So off it went. Sayonara hair. And when it was gone, I felt no remorse. Sure I felt somewhat insecure...but hell, I was glad it was gone. I felt liberated. It was a choice that I never expected anyone to understand, except possibly another Black female. I was in for a surprise.

You see, it was because I was insecure, and fake hair was my security blanket. The first person to see my hair besides my roommates (who had to pretend they liked my new do, cause it be awkward otherwise) was this Latina girl in one of my classes I was meeting up with to study with before exams. The first thing out of her mouth was "wow, it looks so good. Doesn't it feel good to just be natural? I felt the same way. I used to dye my hair until I got tired of it, and just wanted to go back to it being dark."

I was shocked! I couldn't believe she got it! And so many other people, not Black got it too...and I realized quite simply I was not interested in associating with anyone who didn't get it. Because, THIS IS ME. This is the way god made me, take me as I am, or else you can go fuck yourself. Kind of blunt, but why should I feel like I have to change myself to fit in? It just isn't right.

It's amazing what confidence has come from reclaiming my nappiness. A friend made a comment about hoping my children would be born with "good hair" and as I looked at her, with her matted up wig, I thought: I HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN FREE YOUR MIND. Later that night we went to the club, and the next day she remarked how other females in the club were hatin' over the fact that men were still paying me attention, because apparently I just "got it like that", natural or not.

It's funny, cause at first I don't really think that I believed that I was still beautiful natural. I figured I was somehow maiming my appearance, but I was ok with that because I rather be loved for the real me. I now see that that is completely silly, and that I look better this way. Turns out Black really is beautiful. Go figure.

Right now I'm listening to: