An empty seat for...

Life is never just simple. As humans, we seem doomed to hang suspended between a delicate balance, heartbeats away from chaos. We live lives of contradiction, but from this contradiction we find peace and sanity. At least it would seem that my life is very much like that. As I grow older, the more I realize that I am far from unique, and in fact possibly even typical. So I suspect it's safe to say that I am not alone.

My spirituality it too would seem is somewhat contradictory. I was asked the other day if I went to church. Its funny how ashamed I was to admit that I didn't. I guess when it comes right down to it; I could hardly place myself into the category of a "good Christian woman". I mean I definitely believe that I am a good person...and I do believe in God, but...I hardly follow the rules when it comes to being a "good Christian".

I drink, smoke, and enjoy a little fornication. I try to do things in moderation, but I'm a young modern woman. I'm human. I feel life is too short to not live it as you please, because you never know when your time will be up. And I admire people who have dedicated themselves to a religion, I really do. I have the utmost respect for the faithful, but I'm just not ready, or calm enough for that shit.

Its funny. When I do go to church, I feel like I'm being a hypocrite. I know that probably half the folks there are just the same as me, but still I feel this way. But when shit gets real tough, I do pray. It was something I learned to do when life was at its darkest. And you know, it worked. My prayers were answered. Now I find myself doing it all the time. I pray, and my prayers are answered. Anyone who's going through difficult times should try it out.

I think a part of me is also embarrassed to admit that I believe something is out there too. Smart people aren't "supposed" to believe in anything other than science. The number of times I've heard patronizing comments in response to my affirmation of my faith from friends, who claim to be too "intelligent" for religion, is disheartening.

Maybe that's why I never turn away the Jehovah's Witnesses. I always listen to what they have to say, because maybe they do have it figured out. At the very least, I always come away learning something new. I guess its because I'm an existentialist at heart. I simply don't have it in me to deny that anything can't be, because I believe it is impossible to ever really know anything. Because what really is real? There is more to this world than meets the eye.

I hate that in order to be a "free thinker" you must consider yourself an atheist. That within itself is a contradiction. To limit the definition is to put restraint on it, and therefore remove its freedom! If I'm truly a freethinking being, why can't I choose out of my freedom of thought to believe in God (or many for that matter)?

I do see the flip side though. I get why people choose to avoid religion. Its caused so many wars, and oppressed so many groups. Hell, as far as some religions are concerned it wouldn't be a sin to keep myself, and people that look like me in shackles, to serve as second-class citizens to a supposed elite.

I feel that a woman should have the right to choose what her body is subjected to. I don't feel that a woman should ever just "follow" a man because by default she is supposedly the weaker of the sexes, and I refuse to believe that who a person chooses to love, whether they are of the opposite sex or the same will buy them a one-way ticket to hell.

In fact, I don't even believe there is a hell. If it does exist, than this world must be it. Only hell could be filled with such hate.

So the intellects do have a point. But then, I think Badu said it best, "...most intellects do not believe in God, but they fear us just the same..."

I told myself I was gonna leave it alone, but...

Since Michael Jackson's death, I will admit that I have started and deleted many blog posts on my thoughts about the Pop star. I was sure that if someone else hadn't already said it, in 5 minutes somebody else would. I will admit, I even became tired of the non-stop coverage of Michael. Not because I don't think that MJ was a superstar and deserved it, but because of the so many under-handed comments and exploitative nature of the coverage within and outside the blogosphere and the internets.

I never wanted to come off as disrespectful, because there is a time and a place for everything, and hours or days after his death on some random blog was neither the time nor the place. And besides, I'm far from being any sort of expert on anything significant.

Unfortunately, not everybody felt the same way. All of a sudden, people with absolutely no business doing so were dissecting something they never could have any clue about: White people, sometimes y'all just need to shut the fuck up.

I am so tired of these so-called white experts. Bill O'Reilly is an idiot. On very seldom occasion do I ever even partially agree with what the man has to say on anything. I'm sure he's not really as stupid as he comes off sounding, and that he's really just that arrogant, but wow...sometimes I am just not convinced, because how can one continuously spout such nonsense?

MICHAEL JACKSON WAS BLACK! He was a BLACK man, he was a BLACK superstar, and He was a BLACK icon. BLACK, BLACK, BLACK, BLACK, BLACK. Got it? Should I say it some more? BLACK! No matter how much Michael Jackson supposedly wanted to erase his BLACKNESS, he was BLACK. BLACKNESS is inescapable. Which is probably why he opted to have white children, if indeed he did indeed hate his BLACKNESS so much. I did not know Michael personally, so I can't say that he indeed hated himself for being BLACK. All I have to go on is the image he presented to the public: a BLACK man with bleached skin, but a BLACK man who placed BLACK folks in Egypt in a music video, who sang about it not mattering what colour a person's skin was, and raised money for causes in Africa. If nothing else, one can't deny that MJ was aware, and even somewhat conscious when it came to the subject of his BLACKNESS.

I mean what are the alternatives here, that he was white? That is impossible, he was born a Black human being. A part of me almost believes that anyone making the claim that Michael Jackson wasn't Black is attempting to claim him as his or her own. But since he broke down so many barriers for Black people in the music industry, and since he was so "weird" why would any white person want to claim him right? (*rolling eyes*) Guess that they're just addicted to the hype that is Michael.

And lets be honest about this weirdness. So he has white kids, who fucking cares. Madonna, and Angelina, and even my own mother have Black children...does that make them any less white? It sure doesn't!

So he bleached his skin. So do a lot of Black people. Even more wear fake eyes, and fake hair, or put dangerous chemicals on their heads in order to conform to what many believe to be the norm...and this isn't seen as odd. In fact, maintaining ones Blackness in its natural state is far weirder in the so-called Black community than destroying it. I'm not saying that's at all appropriate, or that there isn't something very wrong with it, but I am saying its normal.

As for the weirdness with children, I'm not touching that with a ten-foot pole, because I can't even properly makes sense of it my own self, but neither can a lot of people. So yeah, he definitely gets a weird penalty for that one, not for the molestation charges because he was acquitted, but for admitting on national television that he slept in the same bed as kids who were not his own.

But please you so-called white experts stop attacking MJ's Blackness! It's so uncool, because any intelligent white person knows that they will never ever understand what it is to be black. So please, stop acting like fools.