An empty seat for...

Life is never just simple. As humans, we seem doomed to hang suspended between a delicate balance, heartbeats away from chaos. We live lives of contradiction, but from this contradiction we find peace and sanity. At least it would seem that my life is very much like that. As I grow older, the more I realize that I am far from unique, and in fact possibly even typical. So I suspect it's safe to say that I am not alone.

My spirituality it too would seem is somewhat contradictory. I was asked the other day if I went to church. Its funny how ashamed I was to admit that I didn't. I guess when it comes right down to it; I could hardly place myself into the category of a "good Christian woman". I mean I definitely believe that I am a good person...and I do believe in God, but...I hardly follow the rules when it comes to being a "good Christian".

I drink, smoke, and enjoy a little fornication. I try to do things in moderation, but I'm a young modern woman. I'm human. I feel life is too short to not live it as you please, because you never know when your time will be up. And I admire people who have dedicated themselves to a religion, I really do. I have the utmost respect for the faithful, but I'm just not ready, or calm enough for that shit.

Its funny. When I do go to church, I feel like I'm being a hypocrite. I know that probably half the folks there are just the same as me, but still I feel this way. But when shit gets real tough, I do pray. It was something I learned to do when life was at its darkest. And you know, it worked. My prayers were answered. Now I find myself doing it all the time. I pray, and my prayers are answered. Anyone who's going through difficult times should try it out.

I think a part of me is also embarrassed to admit that I believe something is out there too. Smart people aren't "supposed" to believe in anything other than science. The number of times I've heard patronizing comments in response to my affirmation of my faith from friends, who claim to be too "intelligent" for religion, is disheartening.

Maybe that's why I never turn away the Jehovah's Witnesses. I always listen to what they have to say, because maybe they do have it figured out. At the very least, I always come away learning something new. I guess its because I'm an existentialist at heart. I simply don't have it in me to deny that anything can't be, because I believe it is impossible to ever really know anything. Because what really is real? There is more to this world than meets the eye.

I hate that in order to be a "free thinker" you must consider yourself an atheist. That within itself is a contradiction. To limit the definition is to put restraint on it, and therefore remove its freedom! If I'm truly a freethinking being, why can't I choose out of my freedom of thought to believe in God (or many for that matter)?

I do see the flip side though. I get why people choose to avoid religion. Its caused so many wars, and oppressed so many groups. Hell, as far as some religions are concerned it wouldn't be a sin to keep myself, and people that look like me in shackles, to serve as second-class citizens to a supposed elite.

I feel that a woman should have the right to choose what her body is subjected to. I don't feel that a woman should ever just "follow" a man because by default she is supposedly the weaker of the sexes, and I refuse to believe that who a person chooses to love, whether they are of the opposite sex or the same will buy them a one-way ticket to hell.

In fact, I don't even believe there is a hell. If it does exist, than this world must be it. Only hell could be filled with such hate.

So the intellects do have a point. But then, I think Badu said it best, "...most intellects do not believe in God, but they fear us just the same..."