Tuesday, April 07, 2009

i miss u......(letters nvr sent)

Today a man got on to the elevator that reminded me of you. The way he dressed, the scent and colour of his skin, even the way he hunched himself over, just like you do...all of it reminded me of you.

Will I ever see you again? Will I ever get to feel you beside me again? I don't even know where you are right now...and it makes me sad, because I loved you...even if I never said it.

Its not like it was planned...loving you. It just happened, no matter how hard I fought it, no matter how much I tried to resist. I had met my match in this silly game of love and war.

I know you probably don't love me back, but that's okay. The love I feel isn't the kind that really needs to be returned. I knew from the start you weren't really mine to have...even though I ached with every fiber of my being for that truth not to be so.

I miss your smile. I miss your Hank Hill booty. I miss cooking breakfast for you in the buff. I miss just laying in your arms. Shit, I even miss your rhino balls. But what I miss most, is the way you'd look down at me from on top, our bodies connected both physically and spiritually...and you'd smile.

Those moments meant the world to me. A piece of my soul healed being with you - you helped lift some of the darkness I had concealed myself in, in order to protect myself from the world. For that, I am thankful.

In my dreams we live out our happily ever after. You are always in my thoughts. Visions of mommy and daddy and baby make three dance in my head...I hope you are well.

Right now I'm listening to:


Renee said...

I gotta say thanks for writing this. Blackness is something Michael could never escape and he knew that. I honestly don't see the changes he underwent as necessarily racial as much as an attempt to escape his father.

Looking at pictures of Michael before his surgery one can readily see the resemblance between him and Joe. Each surgery that he had, he made certain tp reduce or erase features that resembled his father. I think he did not want to look in the mirror and continually see the face of the man that abused him.

As far as the children go, I think that he did not want a genetic link to him at all, once again stemming from the abuse of his father. He went as far away from the jacksons as he possibly could in the hopes of ending a terrible legacy.

Of course, this is all conjecture on my part but I believe it makes far more sense than simply assuming that a man that made sure to feature Black people hated his own race.

BLACKkittenROAR said...

I never thought about it from that angle, but that would make absolute perfect sense. Thank you for the insight. One could easily see that Michael was trying to escape being a Jackson more than being black, in fact looking at other members of the family (namely Latoya) the same could be said for them as well. If the whispers are indeed true, the things done to Michael and La Toya would be enough to drive anyone to destroying any resemblance they had to a father who sacrificed their innocence for the sake of his own selfish desires.

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